RAGINPIT MAGAZINE

Stephen A. - The Grumpy Old Sound Man himself

Drummers...

How can you tell when the drum riser is level??? The drummer drools out of both sides of his/her mouth.

Why is it that drummers have the smallest vehicle and the most equipment in the band? If I had a dollar for every time I had to transport a drummer’s crap to a gig, I would be on a beach in Tahiti with naked, native girls bringing me drinks all day long.

In today’s world of high tech tools, a sound engineer should not spend twenty minutes of valuable sound check time tuning a drum set. There are DVD’s on how to tune drums. There are tension gauges for head tension and a lovely invention called E Rings for over tones (called dead ringers for you dinosaur sound people). I bet that I have used twenty miles of gaff tape so far in tuning drums for someone that has decided to play this instrument for fun and/or pleasure, yet has not a clue on how to tune the damn things.

Port the kick head! If you want to have a full sound that includes the beater on the rear head, this is a must. The last thing that you want to hear from your kick is the floor monitor that is in front of it bouncing off the reflective surface of the front drum head. That nice mic pointing at the head will pick up any sound that hits it. And why do some drummers put their cymbals so damn close to the drum head that you have to mic the thing from the bottom? No, I am not going to put the mic on the side so you can hit it with a stick and ruin a $200 tom mic. Sadly the poor sound engineers are forced to buy all of the tension tools and E Rings of various sizes just to make it through sound check. Drummers wake up! Be nice to the sound engineer or your kick drum will sound like your snare.

I was the engineer for a gig with B. B. King and had to be the engineer for the opening band also. The opening band got their slot by winning some contest through the radio station that was promoting the show. What a nightmare!!! This had to be the worst drum set that I had ever heard. (This made the monitor engineer start drinking way too early in the day.) Even the high hat sounded like crap. So after 15 minutes into the sound check I told the band that we were good and sent them on their way to eat. The monitor engineer and I dismantled the entire drum set from kick to high hat and made the damn thing spot on before the band came back for their set. The worst thing yet was that the drummer never even noticed the difference. I need more money for this crap.

Sooo… I firmly believe that a drummer in a box (a.k.a. - a rhythm machine) is a much better rhythm option for a band. They never show up late, they never show up drunk, they never ask you to haul their equipment, and they don’t fuck your girlfriend. Although they do require batteries every now and then, but so do some girlfriends!!!

And remember kiddies…Don’t piss of the sound man!